The World's Only Zine

With the upcoming release of the Elton John/John Lennon cover of the Beatles' Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, we thought this would be a good time to set the record straight about the song's title. Many people have jumped to the conclusion that the title comes from the acronym LSD, the name of a far-out drug popular among today's flower children. John Lennon has counter-claimed that the title has nothing to do with LSD, but is taken from the title of a drawing his son made. Neither of these claims is accurate, as you will see.

In 1967, the Beatles were in a bit of an artistic slump. Having just released Revolver, an album glorifying handguns, the band was working on the White Album, destined to be their most widely derided record. The band couldn't even be bothered to decorate the White Album with a picture. Between those two disastrous releases, poor sales and the public's general dislike of the band members' hair styles, the band's label was forced to give the Beatles an ultimatum: Make some music that doesn't suck. 

Tensions were running high, as McCartney was insisting on releasing a glam-bagpipe record and Lennon was pushing for an album sleeve that contained no record at all. Ringo, who kept showing up at concerts trying to play drums in bands he had never met, called this period, "The happiest time in my life." Meanwhile, nobody knew where George Harrison was.

The Monkeys, a band that the Beatles had long patterned themselves after, had eclipsed the Beatles in popularity and industry respect. And it was the Monkeys that the Beatles increasingly turned to for song ideas and for walking directions to the EMI recording studio on Abbey Road.

Continued next issue.

• The rock and roll glam band, The New York Dolls, have released their first album, cleverly entitled “The New York Dolls.” The likely chain of events, that the New York Dolls will inspire the Ramones to inspire the Sex Pistols who will inspire a high school punk rock band in Indiana called The Panics, and two of their members, inspired by the humor of the Firesign Theater and Monty Python, will, in their old age, put out a zine talking about this likely chain of events, is very ... likely.

• A loyal black friend of a white protagonist avoids death by becoming the black gay best friend of a white woman. But what happens after the white woman gets married? The black friend drifts from job to job: black basketball player, black football player, black boxer who loses  to white boxer, black pimp, sassy female black receptionist and black revolutionary, only to realize that home was as close as the nearest all-white friend group in need of a bland, token black friend, in Disney's new family classic,  Stereotypographical Errors, shot entirely in Stereotrope.

• It's the Battle of the Sexes Round II! Billy Jean King may have won the tennis battle against Bobby Riggs, but the war still rages! Tune in to find out how men plan to wipe the female species off the face of the Earth! Only on CBS Sports!

We sat down with America's favorite president to assess the first year of his second term and to discuss a wide range of issues of interest to the American people.

Shut Yer Pie Hole!:  People will look back on this time and want to make America great just like it is now. Tell us, why does the public seem so ungrateful to your efforts to destroy the rule of law and ruin the economy?

President Richard Milhous Nixon: As soon as we get inflation down to single digits, people will stop complaining about the cost of living.

Shut Yer Pie Hole: You famously claimed that if the President does it then it's not illegal. Outside of Roger Stone, nobody seems to believe that. What's wrong with people?

President Richard Nixon: The problem is the Supreme Court. I should have stacked it in my first term so it would have given me unfettered immunity when breaking the law. Hopefully, a future president will learn from my mistake.

Yer Pie Hole: We can only hope. This term, which definitely won't end suddenly in disgrace, should be marked by you remaking culture in your image. Have you considered renaming the Kennedy Center the Nixon Kennedy Center?

Richard Nixon: Certainly not! I'm not a tin pot dictator!

Pie Hole: After murdering over two million rural peasants in Indochina, you have said that you want to bring the Vietnam War to an "honorable end." Have you thought about where the US should spread its deadly honor next?

Dick Nixon: In our short history, the United States has brought democracy and peace to the world by bombing hundreds of countries. For example, we have intervened militarily in Nicaragua over a dozen times and we dropped over two million tons of bombs on the people of Laos, because you can't make more money manufacturing weapons if you never use them. We've invaded or bombed pretty much every country at least a few times. Come to think of it, for some reason we have never attacked Venezuela. Must be an oversight. So Venezuela would be a good country to bomb.

Hole: What would be the excuse?

Dick: Excuse? It doesn't matter. We can invade Venezuela to get their oil and minerals. Or because their leader doesn't play ball with the CIA. Or just because they can't fight back. The people will accept any war that doesn't cost us too much in US casualties. My hope is that a future president will bomb Venezuela on Christmas as a tribute to my Christmas bombing of North Vietnam. It's a great way to honor Jesus.

Hole: The Department of Commerce issued a report advocating for a switch to  the metric system. What do you think of that?

Dick: A foot is 12 inches. If we switch to metric, it would only be 10 inches. Everyone would be shorter. The United States would lose miles of territory. We will never go metric!

Hole: Vice President Agnew is under investigation for accepting bribes. Should he resign?

Dick: I have full confidence in the vice president. It's not like he accepted a brown paper bag with $50,000 in cash and then I named him a Czar of the Border or anything.

Hole: Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has been internationally condemned as a war criminal. Why do you keep him around?

Dick: Henry is hilarious! He's a Jew who constantly complains about the Jews. We need more people like him to make it acceptable for me to complain about minorities.

'ole: Have you ever thought about pouring billions of taxpayer dollars into a masked vigilante group, that can act as your own private gestapo, to beat up and "disappear" foreigners and shoot civilians in their own cars? You could call them ROCK–Rightwing Organized Cops that Kill, or ICE–Insane Cops that Execute, or Immigrant-haters Carrying out Executions. Something like that.

ick: I don't know what kind of sick, authoritarian fantasy you are describing, but aside from the national guard shooting a few unarmed bums in Ohio for protesting the war, we would never undo the fabric of democracy by unleashing a lawless, unaccountable army of jackbooted thugs to terrify the population. The dystopian future you are describing is not possible in a democratic nation. Now if you will excuse me, I have a third-rate burglary to cover up.