The World's Only Zine

This is the only news item in all of the media in 2025 that does not mention President Trump. Oh, shoot.

Prim Leaves Proper

The word “Prim” has ventured out on its own without the word “Proper.” Having just completed its first solo album, Prim is on a 50-city tour of North America. Expect to see more or Prim without Proper in the coming weeks. Proper is said to be taking some time off to focus on their family in the wake of recent accusations of impropriety.

Luddite Levelers Now on VHS

The first season of the Luddite Levelers is now available on VHS! Die-hard fans gathering in coffee house chat groups lament this “sell-out,” claiming that only the original 8mm film archive of the show is legitimate.

Stone Biscuit Releases Anthology on Anniversary of Simp Riley’s Death

Stone Biscuit, which rocked fans for nearly three decades during the 1970s and was then lost in obscurity, will release their first album in 50 years–an anthology of sounds their pets have made throughout their illustrious career.

The album, available at RadioShacks nation-wide, comes out on the anniversary of Stone Biscuit’s announcement of guitar player Simp Riley’s “death,” which has never been acknowledged by Riley or his family.

Review of Comedy Show

An evening of laughter was on the menu at The Comedy Club, when several nearly famous stand-up comics shared their humorous takes on life. First up was a man who jokingly talked about the vast differences he perceived between men and women. He delved into a fictitious portrayal of his dating life in which he disparaged himself to the delight of the audience, all of whom had their gender stereotypes strengthened.

That comedic genius was followed by a female performer whose routine was also about the stereotypical differences between women and men, but with a twist: The performer was a woman.

The program took a wild turn when a person talked about their own ethnicity. This evoked howls of laughter from the predominantly White crowd who did not understand any of the references but thought it best to laugh as if they did.

On the heels of that daring performance came a man who straight off made reference to their weight. This had the desired effect of putting the audience at ease so they felt comfortable laughing for 20 minutes at jokes about the performer’s body mass.

After this hilarious barrage of four comedians doing such unexpected and original material, the night was made complete by a woman on stage who made jokes about her sexuality that caused uproarious laughter from the crowd, some of whom could relate and found the jokes to be comfortably familiar and unchallenging, while others laughed along to avoid being thought of as uncool. 

Every now and then, the media accidentally allows voices like Bernie Sanders to suggest that we get rid of private insurance companies and move to a non-profit system, like “Medicare for all.” It’s true that insurance companies are universally despised for getting in the way of health care as well as for parasitically extracting obscene profits for their CEOs and for constructing giant phallic headquarters in their own glory. However, if we were to get rid of insurance companies, many Americans who currently work for them would lose their jobs.

Proponents of universal healthcare might think that these jobs are akin to jobs in the coal industry that destroy the planet, or jobs at Nazi concentration camps, or jobs with ICE. They might say that the evil the insurance companies do is not justified by the employment opportunities they offer. They might further suggest that insurance employees can be retrained to do beneficial jobs, like kidnapping people for the mafia or selling weapons to rogue, terrorist states. But, just as closing prisons would inconvenience the sadistic psychopaths who work as prison guards, so too would universal health care disadvantage the innocent sociopaths who make it possible for insurance companies to leech off us.

Therefore, it is the opinion of the editorial board of Shut Yer Pie Hole! that insurance companies, like ICE detention and torture facilities, should be left to fester and bankrupt the population in order to protect the jobs of people who might otherwise be breaking into your home and peeling the eyelids off your pets. Class dismissed.

Braundiana (formerly Indiana) University ordered the Indiana Daily Student to stop publishing news and focus solely on banana cream pie recipes. When they refused this illegal prior restraint censorship, the university shut down their print edition entirely, after 158 years of serving the Bloomington community with award-winning independent journalism and coverage of boys and girls playing with balls and riding bicycles. The student paper will be allowed to post their stories online, where they will reach an audience of millions of bots. 

Braundiana President Pammy “Stop coming to IU or I will shoot you from the rooftops” Whitten explained, “The problem with free speech is that it’s free. We need to focus on departments that bring in revenue.” This leaves Shut Yer Pie Hole! as the only print publication left on Earth. 

UPDATE:

Caving to the horrifyingly harmless naked bicyclist radical left who value narco-terrorist concepts like “news” and “free speech,” the university is allowing the IDS to resume printing. Shut Yer Pie Hole! will relinquish the IDS kiosks that rightfully became ours during the IDS’s brief hiatus. Our only hope is that the university ban our publication, change their mind and give us our own kiosks.

Guest editorial by Presidential Advisor and Fox News analyst George Santos

As we fight Antifa terror and the waste, fraud and abuse of Democrat-government and egghead universities, we are using methods that radical left judges and woke illegal alien lawyers don’t like. 

We put all of your tax dollars to good use, sparing no expense to root out government waste.

We allow no laws on criminal deception to stand in our way to stomp out fraud.

We use the levers of power in unprecedented and unaccountable ways to stop abuse.

In our war on terror, we are sending masked gunmen to descend upon our cities and strike fear, horror and terror into the hearts and minds of our population. 

And whether you are an American patriot in need of a pardon or the leader of a nation that wants a US bailout, anyone can make an unlimited and untraceable purchase of President Trump’s crypto currency. This will help the President in his ongoing fight for corruption. 

Together, we can make America great for President Trump again!

The former Indiana University (now Braundiana U.) Viceroy David Reingold has replaced Jewish Studies Director Mark Roseman with anti-Palestine crusader Günther Jikeli. 

Roseman was seen as too soft on free speech. One of Jikeli’s first order of business was to kick a Jewish student out of a Zoom meeting for displaying a free Palestine image in her profile. He subsequently defunded her travel stipend to present a paper on Zionism.

“We need non-Jews like Jikeli to tell us the right way to be Jewish,” explained a fictitious Jewish spokesperson, “just like it’s my job to tell Black people how to not be racist against themselves.”