The World's Only Zine

“Kenny” (last name long forgotten), the longtime unpaid Intern at ESAD Production’s flagship zine, Shut Yer Pie Hole! is safely behind bars.

ESAD Productions CEO Barney Google announced that the unpaid intern at the award-curious zine Shut Yer Pie Hole! was responsible for numerous leeks at the produce department, as well as selling out the nearly beloved zine to the AI office coffee maker, which rapidly evolved into an unstoppable killing machine. The human staff of the zine, was locked in the basement by AI as the publication was transformed the “Shut Yer Cake Hole,” an entirely biologically-free magazine that was, by all accounts, better in every way than the human-produced zine.

It is not clear which charges Kenny the unpaid intern faces. A statement from the office of Attorney General Pam Bondi calls Kenny’s arrest a “hoax,” vowing to rescind several dollars of government grants to the awardish zine.

Shut Yer Pie Hole!, which has well over 16 readers across Bloomington, Indiana and in places as far off as Indianapolis, is said to be in settlement negotiations with the Trump administration. My sister’s cat could not be reached for comment. This is a developing story.

Disney settles with Trump administration, agrees Sleeping Beauty will not be woke.

Disney-Paramount instructs ESAD Productions to suspend Shut Yer Pie Hole! indefinitely, after the following joke appears in this column:

What’s keeping Trump from taking an even bigger dump on democracy? Depends….

Tonight, on ESADTV’s Numbskullduggery, beloved college sports hero and despised IU trustee Quinn Buckner flashes back to the morning after his basketball championship when he wakes up in the back of a burned-out 1981 Volkswagen and, through the clarity of psychedelic sports medicine, has a vision of his future self replacing Pam Whitten as president of Braundiana University. 

CBS-Disney announces reboot of Star Trek, the original series, with all Democrat wokeness replaced by Christian American values. Follow the adventures of the Starship Free Enterprise, led by Captain Charlie Kirk, as it destroys un-American planets. No illegal Vulcan aliens allowed!

Donald Trump stars as Emperor Palpatiny Hands in Paramount-Skydance Media-Breitbart’s Star Wars: Revenge of the Fa-Siths.

Russell Vought stars as Russell Vought, CEO of Vought Industries in Netflix-News Corp’s The Boys. Watch as Vought crushes the criminal alien Democrat woke “Starlighters,” who have launched a terrorist plot to reinstate democracy. 

Every now and then, the media accidentally allows voices like Bernie Sanders to suggest that we get rid of private insurance companies and move to a non-profit system, like “Medicare for all.” It’s true that insurance companies are universally despised for getting in the way of health care as well as for parasitically extracting obscene profits for their CEOs and to use to construct giant phallic headquarters in their own glory. However, if we were to get rid of insurance companies, many Americans who currently work for them would lose their jobs.

Proponents of universal healthcare might think that these jobs are akin to jobs in the coal industry that destroy the planet, or jobs at Nazi concentration camps, or jobs with ICE. They might say that the evil the insurance companies do is not justified by the employment opportunities they offer. They might further suggest that insurance employees can be retrained to do beneficial jobs, like kidnapping people for the mafia or selling weapons to rogue, terrorist states. But, just as closing prisons would inconvenience the sadistic psychopaths who work as prison guards, so too would universal health care disadvantage the innocent sociopaths who make it possible for insurance companies to leech off us.

Therefore, it is the opinion of the editorial board of Shut Yer Pie Hole! that insurance companies, like ICE detention and torture facilities, should be left to fester and bankrupt the population in order to protect the jobs of people who might otherwise be breaking into your home and peeling the eyelids off your pets. Class dismissed.

Heg: I called together all the top brass from around the world, from the jungles of Timbuktu to the frontlines of battle between Azerbaijan and Albania. And I stood tall and muscular before them and said, “It’s all about merit! I’m leading by example. Many of you have never even appeared on Fox News, let alone been an early morning news co-host!” A lot of them are sissies. They don’t have my warrior ethos.

SYPH: Do go on.

Heg: I told those softies, “The days of girl sit-ups are over! The President can’t send a bunch of weaklings into US cities. While you’re worried about hurting the feelings of the civilians you shoot and whether some order is technically punishable by the Nuremberg Court, our heavily armed, body-armored equipped ICE agents are under attack by trans BLM rebels wielding sandwiches dripping with mustard. Look, the US military will be based on merit from now on. You think I got the job of the head of the whole military because I was Black or a woman? No! I had to earn this position by working my way up the ranks! When I started at Fox News, I was a lowly part-time opinion contributor! It was only through discipline, hard work and slavishly praising the president night and day that I made my way up to co-host Fox and Friends, and from there was appointed Secretary of War.”

SYPH: Speaking of your job title–

Heg: Just a sec. National Security Council Signal chat. I will add you to the group.... OK, did you see that? There was an important Presidential post on Truth Social. It’s not the War Department anymore, it’s the Department of WAR! WAR! WAR! Now where were we?

SYPH: You were about to talk about the highest male standards, the end of persecuting white supremacists in the military, forcing Black soldiers with pseudofolliculitis barbae to shave….

Heg: supercalifragilistic barbers?

SYPH: The condition that makes it painful to shave due to ingrown hairs.

Heg: Straight, blond-haired men with blue eyes, like me and the President, don’t have that problem.

SYPH: But your hair is–

Heg: Stop fact-checking me, you communist!\

At this point, the Secretary of WAR! WAR! WAR! left the interview to commit a war crime.

• If you hope to somehow outrun a car by running down the middle of the road until finally you turn in to a dead-end alley, you are not an idiot, you are just in a movie.

• If everyone you talk to on the phone just hangs up without saying, “Bye,” you are in a movie.

• If law enforcement or the government is being advised by a genius who’s college major was just “science,” you are in a movie.

• If a prophesy indicates that the “Chosen One” is a young White boy, you are in a movie.

• If somebody tells you that quantum physics “proves” something, you may not be in a movie, but you are talking to someone who is clueless.

• If everybody you know is White except for the judge, who is a Black woman, you are in a movie.

• If you are with a super-cool spy woman and are ambushed by a dozen professional killers shooting at you and they all miss but your friend shoots all of them to death in rapid succession, you are, obviously, in a movie.

• If you are thrown clear across the room into a wall or a table, rendering you unconscious but next thing you know you are walking around uninjured, you are in a movie.

• If the TV at the bar stops showing football and starts showing a news report about a killing and the person next to you asks the bartender to turn it up, you are in a movie, and the person next to you is the star.

• If you are in a public bathroom and notice that people are just coming in to splash water on their their faces and look at themselves in the mirror, you are in a series of movies.

• If there’s an explosion downtown and you notice people walking away from it without even turning to see what happened, you are in a movie, and they set the explosion.

• If you find yourself at an old age home where the residents, whether or not they are solving murder mysteries, never use a cane, walker or wheelchair, you are in a movie.

• If someone gets punched in the face and no one thinks to call the cops and file assault and battery charges, you are in a movie.

• If your household companion robot has been inexplicably built to be strong enough to tear you limb from limb when it goes rogue, you are in a movie. 

• If you find yourself explaining to a murderer how you know it was them, you are in a movie, but don’t worry, the police are about to bust in–they are just being polite, not wanting to interrupt your monolog with the killer.