The World's Only Zine

The Department of Justice has rounded up members of a violent, widespread, heavily armed gang that goes by the acronym “ICE.” ICE members have been abducting people across the country, sending them to notorious foreign prisons or simply “disappearing” them, leaving relatives and lawyers in the dark about the victims’ whereabouts.

“Make no mistake,” says DOJ prosecutor Douglas Delap, “These jack-booted paramilitary thugs are far worse than Tren de Agua [sic]. Nobody is safe in America as long as these fascist bastards are loose on the streets.”

The crimes of ICE, also known as Trump’s Gestapo, include kidnapping and illegal detention of persons here in the US legally, in defiance of judges’ orders, warrantless searches and seizures and impersonating law enforcement officers. Members of the gang often disguise their identities through masks and unmarked vehicles.

In a related story, Prosecutor Douglas Delap has been relieved of his duties and his current location is unknown. As per usual, no one in the government agreed to comment or answer questions about the brutal ICE gang or Delap’s disappearance.

At 2:00 a.m. Tuesday, President Trump posted, “Ice? Never heard of them. BUT THE STREETS ARE MUCH SAFER WITH INN

Dead Fingernails co-star Alan Friedbush says, “My Dead Fingernails family is like the family I never had.” Friedbush, himself an AI-generated replica of the original “Buster” actor, has not aged since the beloved 50’s sitcom was cancelled after 607 seasons. To the delight of an overflow crowd of AI-generated fans, Friedbush recited the iconic line that made Buster a beloved American fixture, “Not now, Mommy!”

DAY 1. I came from a planet named Vulcan. My species is named Vulcan. My language is named Vulcan. These appellations are logical. I find it fascinating that Humans come from a planet named Earth where the Humans speak a myriad of languages, none of which is named Human. If I did not suppress my emotions, I would think of the chaos and disorganization of the humans as cute.

Day 2. What’s the deal with the ship’s doctor? His racist human-centrism does not follow Starfleet’s “Don’t be a douchebag” protocol…. I would like to apologize for this unprofessional diary entry. I blame the pressure of culture shock for the unseemly emotions that briefly surfaced. I must bear in mind the danger of being triggered by living day in and day out among humans. This is a foive-year mission, so only 1,823 days to go. Of course, those are human-Earth years, not Vulcan years. We are compelled to adopt human time-keeping aboard the Enterprise, along with a human language and other human cultural habits, such as “looking the other way” when the Captain mates with female crew members and aliens.

DAY 951. Once again, the Captain disregarded my advice and acted on his “gut feeling.” I must bear in mind that although I am vastly more intelligent and stronger than humans, and despite the fact that I live longer, have the ability to read minds, can render them unconscious with a touch and unlike humans I come from a society that rid itself of war centuries ago, and I can function with physical pain they cannot fathom, and I even have a secret inner eyelid that they do not possess, humans have a mysterious “intuition” which somehow qualifies them to run things.