The World's Only Zine

Stephen Miller is America's beloved Iago to Donald Trump's Othello. Prince Machiavelli to Trump's Lorenzo de' Medici. Joseph Goebbels to Trump's Hitler. But what makes this architect of the 2017 child separation policy so marvelously effective in bringing down the odious democratic institutions that have held our country back for so long? What makes this Jewish, White Christian Nationalist tick with Lyme disease?

The first thing you notice about Stephen Miller is his lush head of hair that would make a 1970s teen heartthrob envious. He keeps it in a drawer next to his venomous spider collection. The next thing you notice upon entering his office-laboratory is that this White House office is not just white–the decor boasts a dazzling array of beige and off-white 1950s furniture. Perhaps the piece de nonresistance is the shrine to European skin tone that fills the back of the office, next to a statue of Thomas Hobbes embraced by Ayn Rand and Marine le Pen. The music of Richard Wagner, interlaced with the melodies of fashwave, filled the room.

But what caught my eye was a small black ball sitting at the center of his desk, next to a bronze bust of Karl Silberbauer. "Is this a Magic 8 Ball?" I asked naively.

Miller slapped my hand away from the ball. "That is my Magic Hate Ball. It guides me in all of my important incisions."

"Incisions?"

"Allow me to demon-strate." He picked up the billiard ball like one would pick up the fetid remains of a fetal pig partially consumed by a pet boar. He addressed the ball: "Shall President Trump sign a blank executive order for me to fill out?" Miller gently turned the ball over in his hand. "You can't shake it. It is very fragile." He closed one eye, brought the ball to within millimeters of his open eye, and breathed heavily for several minutes. He then gleefully announced, "The Magic Hate Ball says, 'Yes!' I had the ball adjusted to always answer yes to me."

When Herr Miller had seated himself on his dark throne, I tried to get to know him better. "As a Jew, you have to work extra hard to keep your Nazi credentials. Does that take an emotional toll?" 

Thoughtfully stroking his Wand of Orcus, Miller took a deep breath, sucking all of the oxygen out of the room, along with a house fly, and replied, "I had all of my emotions renditioned to a CIA black site years ago."

Finally, I asked Miller how he has managed to stay so long in the President's good graces, while Trump has tossed aside so many other sycophantic goons. 

"He forgets I'm here. I'm like a snake. I shed my skin every few months and nobody recognizes me. Plus, I only work at night because my flesh burns in the light. I'll be here long after the rest of them have retired to Epstein's Island. Someone has to run the new Salò Überlegener Staat.

Decades after his widely acclaimed success in colorizing classic black and white Hollywood films, Ted Turner is back! Turner's new project focuses on 20th century black and white photographs. "First up will be our archive of Ansel Adams black and white landscapes. Then we will colorize Robert Mapplethorpe's iconic black and white photos the way he would have wanted, had he lived to see color film."

Critics are thrilled to see that Quentin Tarantino's unique style of not acting won't stop him from starring in his biopic of John Brown. In the works for future Tarantino productions are rumored Tarantino roles of Elvis Presley, Martin Luther King, Jr. and both Snoopy and the Red Baron.

The FAA will stop allowing the new Melania Trump documentary film to be shown on aircraft, after reports of viewers getting up and walking out mid-flight.

New Star Trek spinoff, Starfleet Command, takes place after Starfleet Academy and will consist entirely of slow-motion smiles and hugs.

Just when their boring, square parents, who used to complain that their music was "just a bunch of loud, fast noise" finally die off, generation who can't catch a break are told by their children that their music is "just a bunch of loud, fast noise."

In a major legal settlement with reality, the Grammys have agreed to change their Best Song category to "Least Awful Song."

SYPH: Thank you for sitting down with us to discuss the current state of higher education, shared university governance and free speech on campus.

Pammie: I won the football game.

SYPH: You famously had state police snipers stationed on the Memorial Union roof, prepared to massacre student and faculty protestors. Now that some time has elapsed, do you have any regrets?

Pammie: I don't regret IU winning the football championship! Without my leadership, Indiana football would still be losing skirmishes with middle school football teams.

SYPH: You mean scrimmages?

Pammie: No, skirmishes. In the parking lot. Lots of our football players got hurt. 

SYPH: You got a lot of national reprobation when you tried to eliminate student journalism at IU. Have you learned a lesson from that? 

Pammie: All I did was mandate that the IDS exclusively cover IU football, because my football team deserves to be celebrated. Did you know that thanks to me, we won the Super Bowl? 

SYPH: Do you mean the College Football Playoff National Championship?

Pammie: Yes, the Super Bowl. I was out there, calling the shots with Coach Cignetti. I taught him everything he knows. I am football. Love me.

SYPH: Are you hoping that the football championship will help deflect from your history of flagrant plagiarism?

Pammie: Anyone who opposes me opposes football. As I always say, "Everything in the Football, nothing outside the Football, Nothing against the Football." 

SYPH: Any last words?

Pammie: Football. Yes, there is nothing to see here but football.