The Official Zine of Indiana University

Visit Soma Coffee on South Grant (they claim to be on Kirkwood, but that's just a fun lie). While there, visit the health code and ADA-violating bathroom! Attempt to use the inaccessible toilet! Walk into the dilapidated back room that reeks of urine and see how many fire code violations you can count. Trip over the ancient rug made entirely of dust, falling onto the delightfully broken brick tile floor. Make a collection of broken plaster chunks that line the floor by the fire-hazard paper-covered wall. Those who make it out alive get a point, redeemable at the Bloomington Black Mold Health Clinic.

You may know that Indiana University was home to the world-famous musician and sandwich inventor Hoagy Carmichael. But did you know that it was also home to the world-famous cult leader and Kool-Aide ambassador Jim Jones? Go on an historic tour of Jim Jones' dorm room and favorite pizza joint. Visit his former hangout - Soma Coffee, where the depressing decor helped him form his Hoosier doomsday ideology.

Did you know that the campus of Indiana University is contaminated with "unknown" biological hazards that the US government ordered IU to destroy? Take a tour  of unknown biological waste products and, while you are at it, visit the massive toxic PCB Superfund sites that dot the scenic Bloomington landscape.

Bloomington is proud to host the worst PCB contamination in the country! Finish your tour with a visit to the cancer wards at the local hospitals to see the victims of Westinghouse's decades-long illegal toxic waste dumping program. 

Enjoy your stay at Indiana University, Bloomington! And try not to be shot by the snipers atop the Memorial Union Building!

Go IU! We won a football game!

The Michigan Senate candidate made a moving apology for insensitive remarks made after the Temple Israel Synagogue attack. El-Sayeed said, "My comments may have been misconstrued to justify something that I did not mean to justify.... To anyone who feels like my comments might have been hurtful, I'm really sorry. That was not my intention."

Shut Yer Pie Hole! has obtained the full transcript of El-Sayeed's special heartfelt apology.

"To those who have misconstrued any remarks I may or may not have long ago uttered, and falsely believe themselves to somehow be offended even though my remarks were true, I am sorry for your misunderstanding. Your mischaracterization of my alleged remarks, taken out of context, may have resulted in your being offended by your mistake. And for this, I sincerely apologize, if that's what you want to hear. Furthermore, I did not mean to justify that which I justified and any remarks to the contrary of said justification were the typographical errors of now-fired interns. If you believe that you may have taken offense, I take your belief, though wrong, very seriously and that is why I have issued this apology for your belief. If you feel like you think that you believe that the remarks I supposedly said, though totally justified, were in any way cause for you to misconstrue them, now you know that I stand with the people and this is my redemption story. I will go into rehab after the election for whatever it was that caused the behavior you may think I had. But the other side is worse and any attack on me is purely political. God bless America!"

Facebook has made the courageous decision to ban the Bloomington, Indiana news site, the Bloomingtonian. The Bloomingtonian, which is probably a communist front group from Cuba employing Haitians to eat your pets, flagrantly reports on local government news, community events and public safety. Facebook told the Bloomingtonian that they had removed their page with over 67,000 followers, because “the Page, or activity on it, may misuse our platform to pretend to be a local or domestic voice." Facebook went on to explain to the alleged local or domestic voice that "our technology found your Page doesn’t follow our Community Standards. As a result, our technology took action."

We at the award-craving Shut Yer Pie Hole! (who are definitely not pretending to be a local or domestic voice) applaud the technology for taking action against our local source for news and information. This great turn of events in our free society has made us reconsider our misguided decision to delete our own Facebook page.

To support the technology's action, avoid visiting Bloomingtonian.com.

If you are confused as to why we are at war in Iran, or even whether or not it is a real war, you are not alone! Many low IQ Communist scum like you also question our very much not moronic president. In this article, we will explain the war to you. Then, we will deport you.

First, a history of the conflict. For no reason whatsoever, some Iranians held some Americans hostage half a century ago. This was after they got rid of a perfectly good dictator that we imposed on them. Then, they fought against The Islamic State (ISIS), but not in a good way. They also oppressed their own people, but also not in a good way.

Because we got rid of the very bad international deal that guaranteed that Iran would not develop nuclear weapons, Iran said they were no longer bound by the deal! And so we began negotiating with them in order to launch a surprise attack with Israel during the negations. Both the United States and Israel have nuclear weapons, but it is not hypocritical of us to bomb countries for thinking about getting their own nuclear bombs because of reasons.

Iran closed the Strait of Hormuz after we attacked them. The reason for our attack was to make them open it back up like it was before we attacked them. We agreed to win the war last month with the bigly US win of paying Iran billions of dollars and removing US war assets from the region, just so long as they opened the Strait like it was before the war. 

President Trump has boldly stated that he doesn't care about the Strait of Hormuz and our allies can take care of it. He clarified that position by saying that he would kill the entire civilization of Iran if they didn't open the Strait by midnight. Also, the President has pointed out that the Strait is really open after all, that it is illegal for any nation to control the Strait, that the US will operate it alone and charge everyone 20% for going through it, and that Iran and the US can jointly control it and share the toll money.

At the beginning, the war was to support the people of Iran in overthrowing their government. This goal has been achieved by killing their old hard-line leaders and negotiators so they could be replaced with even harder-lined leaders.

The war ended in US victory many times over, and to deliver that point home, we have continued to bomb Iran. Also, it is not a war, so Congress does not have to approve it, and after the last time the war ended, it started up as a new war so the President has a new 60 days before Congress doesn't have to approve it. This will continue in perpetuity, redeeming President's Trumps' promise of no new wars. Success!

(Alvarado, TX) A man living next to the Prairieland ICE Detention Center is shocked to learn that the Nazi government rounded up Jews and forced them into detention camps in the 1930s and 1940s. "I find that far-off ancient history to be shocking. But at least they didn't arrest demonstrators outside the camps and sentence them for up to 100 years for being members of an imaginary terrorist group. What really gets me," the man continued unironically, "is that regular Germans allowed this atrocity to develop right next to them while they just went about their daily lives." He then put his coffee cup over the newspaper story about recent deaths at the next-door detention facility. "I never read the news. I hate it. It just lowers our vibrational levels." 

The new espresso at Claremont Coffee really puts the "brill" in brilliant. Contains notes of burnt lead, plastic bath mat and café floor, While this espresso is too good for drinking, it's perfect for cleaning your car's tires while you are dressed in a hazmat suit.

Starluck's Coffee's coffee isn't so much a beverage as a dark pool of alienation and existential dread at a price to remind you of its high status and that your only escape is the inevitability of death.

Danny's Fuel and Cheese Sticks provides three varieties of self-serve coffee chemically indistinguishable from the gasoline they sell at the pumps. Wake up your car and amygdala at one convenient and toxic location.

An Interview with the Scooter Stultus, the Genius 12-Year-Old Redesigning Bloomington, Indiana's Roads

Scooter Stultus is no strangers to cars. "I've seen 'em all over! My mom has a car. A big one!" We sat down with Bloomington, Indiana's street-smart street designer to talk about his recent thinning down of residential roads and why big curbs jutting into traffic are a good thing.

SYPH: How did you get the idea to make bike lanes look just like traffic lanes so cars will accidentally drive down them?

SS: I dunno. I just asked ChatGTP. I said I want fun roads to go with the backwards parking it invented for the 100 East block of 6th Street, and it came up with all these cool plans. I SnapChatted them to the city Engineering Dept. and none of them have ever driven a car either, so they said yes. Ai is really smart.

Cooking With Bobby K. In today's episode, celebrity chef RFK, Jr. shows us how to sever the head of a savory beached whale. "De-capitation has never been so de-licious!" Directed by Ted the Brainworm. Only on ESAD TV.

Forrest Trump. A comedic yet tragic drama of an inept leader with a low IQ who shapes American history. "Life is like a box of crime without accountability as I destroy all you hold dear."

Decolorizing Film. The National Film Preservation Foundation (NFPF) has announced plans to decolorize the nation's trove of film shot in color. "Movies should fit the country's modern gray tone aesthetic," explains NFPF Director Zandar. "People don't want to experience color when they are expecting the imminent end of the world. No one wants fun ... or hope. Just visit a college campus and you will be awash in a monotone sea of drabness. That's the America we all want to see, and film should reflect this."

The Emmys. The National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences (FLOOP) has issued a restraining order against President Trump to ensure that he does not host this year's Emmys. In response, the President has fired all of FLOOP's board members and replaced them with his family members who unanimously chose the President to be the new Director of Television and picked him to host this year's Emmys. "There are a lot of over-rated actors and low IQ individuals in television," said the President. "The awards this season will go out to the most beautiful people. Kid Rock, for example. And to our brave men and women risking their heroic lives at Fox News. True patriots. Not like the football team. Those so-called Patriots are woke commies.... I won the election like never before."

ANTIFA in Hollywood. The domestic terrorist and unauthorized bake sale group Antifa has infiltrated Hollywood and is giving out free gender-affirming surgery to children without their parents' consent. "Your kid goes to the movies as Bobby and comes home as Barbara," says FBI Drinker Kash Patel. "You can always tell who's in an Antifa terrorist cell because they are so secret they have no meetings and members have never heard of the group."