Some call it the Shut Yer Pie Hole! of humor magazines.
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Shut Yer Pie Hole!
The history of "zines"
From cummerbunds to muffin-pies, zines have quite a history.
Letter from the Editor
Cannabis! Ibogaine! Psilocybin! MDMA! LSD! Ivermectin! Rapamycin! Leucovorin! Ozempic! Fruit-flavored vapes! The President wants you to take them all! Being high with medicinally-induced side effects is proven to help relieve un-American activities like paying attention or believing in the news. And because health insurance doesn't pay for these science-free medications, the government is getting rid of health insurance! You can pay for all of these miracle cures by Trump Coin. Simply visit www.TrumpRX.fund and make your untraceable crypto payment to "The Whitehouse Ballroom." Make Americans High Again! MAHA! At the award-requesting zine Shut Yer Pie Hole!, we are doing our part by lacing the pages of this zine with a cocktail or random drugs promoted by right-wing influencers and fugitive ex-national security advisors. You are absorbing chemicals through your fingers and benefiting from the unknown effects as you read this.
In other possible news, the award-curious zine Shut Yer Pie Hole! publishes an over-the-top back page poster of Indiana University President Pam "protesting genocide on my campus can get you killed" Whitten, seemingly asking to be sued for slander. Readers are encouraged to be co-conspirators by tearing out and displaying the poster in public and private locations. (Note: Due to Flock surveillance, there are no more private locations.)
If anything in this publication or in the evaporation of the last vestiges of American democracy bothers you, you are encouraged to escape all empathy, blaming and thinking by taking MAHA-approved drugs, listening to Brian Christine, the Director of Penile Enhancement, briefing us on the hantavirus hoax and Secretary of War Crimes Pete Hegseth on the current state of Trump's victory in Iran, burning a history book, and tuning in to the latest top-ten AI-produced hit single, It's All Biden's Fault, Now Pass Me the Hydroxychloroquine!
RECENT PIE HOLE FILLINGS
Culinary News
From the United States, a country that, outside of its far northern states, continues to pretend that corn syrup is maple syrup, we have exciting news out of Bloomington, Indiana, the city known for having had good restaurants in the 1970s.
Bloomington "town of the bad omelet," Indiana boasts a long-time village deli, called The Village Deli. Owner Abbot Costello has vowed to further decrease the size of their already ridiculously small coffee cups. “We call them ‘Big Gulps’,” says Costello, with a wry smile. “Because they each contain just a single gulp of coffee.” Quantum physicists warn that the coffee cups are approaching their own event horizon and will soon disappear entirely, possibly taking the planet with them.
Biologists have isolated the genome of the brain worm responsible for chefs caking pancakes and waffles with powered sugar. "It started with donuts and croissants," explained Dr. Patisserie, currently on the run from MAHA hit squads. "But as the brain worms grew, so did the practice of ruining food with powdered sugar. It is expected that this process will continue until the only available menu items are bowls of powdered sugar covered in corn syrup. Thank God they will be gluten-free."
On Fashion
The French Tuck has fallen so far out of fashion that it is now grounds for deportation.
The manosphere beard is now a requirement for all non-military jobs in the federal government. For full effect, young men should also hunch forward and tepidly raise their fist to chest level. Under no circumstances should men raise their fists higher than the commander in chief raises his, which is just below the nipple.
The name Stephen is not only in fashion, it is mandatory.
Color will return to the pallet of college student dress when AI chooses. Until then, young people are encouraged to branch out from their regulation black and white repertoire to explore all shades of gray.
Tradwives are to wear beige, floral tea-length dresses, which you can refashion from the curtains of funeral homes. All women are now deemed to be tradwives.
Boys get blue and girls get pink and Bible Belt Baby don't have to think. - The Gizmos
Republicans Explain How Racist Redistricting is not Racist
The recent decision by the Supreme MAGA Court finally frees states from taking race into account when redistricting. Thus, the previous court-ordered maps that allowed for Black representation in southern states is recognized as unconstitutional.
Many people with dangerous tendencies to think are asking how redrawing maps to ensure an over-representation of white people, at the expense of Black voters, does not violate the same Supreme MAGA Court order. The explanation is simple. "Black" is a race, whereas "white" is the absence of race. White is just normal. Therefore, contorting the shapes of districts to benefit white voters is not taking race into account.
How to Know if You're in a Movie or on TV
• If you are hugging someone when there's a shot and there's a period of time when nobody knows which one of you got shot, then you are in a movie or on TV.
• If anybody says to you, "You and I are actually very much alike," they are the bad guy in a movie or on TV. If you reply, "You and I are nothing alike," you are the good guy in a movie or on TV.
• If you repeat some words of wisdom back to a person who spoke those words to you when you first met years ago, you are in a movie or on TV.
• If you set explosives to blow up a building but instead of watching it explode, turn and walk away while it blows up or bursts into fire, you are in a movie or on TV.
• If you are sharing a bottle of wine with friends and absolutely no one comments on how good it tastes, you are in a movie or on TV.
• If a crowd of people spontaneously break out into song and dance, you might just be in Portland.
Classified Ads
To advertise in Shut Yer Pie Hole! classified section, send $300 and your mother's favorite gourd to Shut Yer Pie Hole! P.O. Box 2494, Bloomington, Indiana, 47402. Remember to include your feelings and any relevant Broadway experience.
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Houses
House for sale. $299,000. Doors included.
Cars
1999 Ford Chevy Cameron Deluxe. 300,000 miles. Like new. Doors included.
Used Pingpong Balls
Used pingpong balls. Lot of three. Contact Seymour.
Cat Petting
Pet my cat. No questions asked.
Miscellaneous
Pay $700. Details to be revealed.
Snipers wanted. Hatred of students required. Contact "Pammy" Whitten, (812) 855-4613.
Cat got your tongue? We will get it back. Call our undisclosed number for details.
Get paid to sit on your couch all day and write zines. Then tell us how you did it.
What are you doing right now? Find out by calling Flock Surveillance, (812) 855-4613.
Bodily Functions
Learn the correct way to vomit. Send $5.95 to Shut Yer Pie Hole! P.O. Box 2494, Bloomington, IN 47402.
Lessons
I hope you've learned your lesson, young man.
Confuse Your Cats
Make strange sounds to confuse your cats. Boredom required.
Pianos
Drop off your used pianos at our poolside tennis court. Hand them to Jorge. Avoid eye contact.
Sexy Tuna Casserole
Send $5 for pictures.
Wanted
Man to go to Showalter Fountain every Wednesday evening and walk around in circles for half an hour. No pay. Call me at my number.
I need a lot of tin cans so I can stack them up real high and knock them down. Won't you please help me have fun? Email shutyerpieholemagazine@gmail.com.
I have them in bottles, old grocery sacks, see-through plastic bags and in my car. What are they? Find out for yourself. Call me at (812) 332-0291.
Why aren't you famous yet? Call me at (951) 262-3062 and I'll tell you.
FROM THE SHUT YER PIE HOLE! VAULTS
President Coolidge Puts His Face on Sesquicentennial Coin
From the May 1, 1926 issue of Shut Yer Pie Hole!
Naysayers say nay to Coolidge coin. "It doesn't matter if he also included the likeness of George Washington on the coin," says man not politically beholden to the President. "That doesn't make it legal. That would be like a current president illegally adding his name to a performance art center named after a beloved assassinated president."
Coolidge spokesman Calvin Coolidge counters that he is the best president in history and anyone opposed to putting his face on currency is suffering from "Coolidge Derangement Syndrome."
Liberia, hoping to gain the affection of the great leader of America has printed their own Coolidge currency, depicting the President as a Roman emperor.
"We live in crazy times," says presidential hopeful Herbert Hoover. "Thank God no future president will ever be so delusional as to put his face on our money."
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